Synchronicity PLC

He looked at him and affected his most engaging smile.

‘Colin?’ the interviewer asked.

Colin walked over to greet him. In the time it took to take the half dozen steps he could already tell, from the slight lilting of the man’s expression, that this was going to be an uphill challenge.

‘Yes,’ Colin replied, ‘pleased to meet you.’

Without taking his eyes from the interviewer Colin extended an arm. His haste to do so caused him to misjudge the distance and the two men’s hands met awkwardly. By the time the interviewer located Colin’s palm it was too late, he had already begun to squeeze, resulting in a very one-sided handshake, mostly of fingers.

‘Oh!’ said Colin, letting out a nervous laugh. But the damage was already done.

So incompetent, he couldn’t even shake my hand properly.

Colin could almost hear the interviewer complaining about it to his colleagues. He looked almost angry now.

‘Take a seat,’ he said.

As Colin pulled the chair out the polished floor seemed to scream out in pain. Sitting across from the interviewer, he could feel his shirt sticking to his armpits. There was only five or six feet between them, but set against the closed blinds Colin had to squint just to see the man’s features.

Head down, the interviewer asked. ‘Come far?’

‘Not too far, Milton Keynes.’

The interviewer looked confused, pointed to the CV in front of him. ‘Says here, Derby.’

‘Yeah, I mean, I live in Derby, but I’ve come from Milton Keynes today.’ He gave a snort and immediately felt embarrassed.

‘Been visiting a supplier there, you see.’

‘That’s over a hundred miles,’ the interviewer said. ‘I’d say that’s quite far.’

Colin gulped. ‘S’pose so, yeah.’

The interviewer tapped the CV with his biro. ‘So, you’re at Glaxon now.’

‘I am.’

‘Good bunch?’

Colin nodded. ”Not bad, I’ve been there nearly eight years now, started straight out of school.’

‘Yes, I can see that.’

‘Yeah, I mean, they’ve been good to me, and I’ve worked my way up from the shop floor to Department manager.’

The interviewer turned the sheet of paper over, as though he were looking for something. Something that was clearly missing.

‘So why are you looking to leave?’

Colin shifted in his seat. ‘Well, I’m about to get married, you see, and I’m not sure that there are many opportunities at Glax-‘

‘Ambitious…’

Colin wasn’t sure if that was a statement or question. Either way, he wondered what the best answer was.

‘Well, I…’

‘So what do you know about us?’

‘Big company – two hundred million turnover, well established, quality product range, good place to work-‘

‘How do you know that?’ Looking up for the first time in their conversation the interviewer bore a hole into Colin.

‘Well I- I- I don’t, I suppose. I’ve heard good things though.’

‘From?’

‘Erm… just… around?’

‘Know anyone that works here?’

Colin shook his head. ‘No.’

‘Riiiight.’ The interviewer tapped the biro against his teeth. ‘Tell me, in your opinion, what are the most important elements of this job?’

‘There are many,’ said Colin. He then proceeded to list them. His answer rambled in places, but it covered most of the bases. Winding up, he felt quietly confident.

The interviewer stared back silently. A long, uncomfortable moment passed.

‘No?’ asked Colin.

The interviewer sighed. ‘Let me ask the question a different way.’

He didn’t. That made Colin’s subsequent reply even more rambling. At the end of it the interviewer shook his head.

‘Let’s just move on, shall we?’

Another question, another answer, another rephrasing. Colin looked at the clock. He had only been there for ten minutes, but it felt more like an hour.

‘I’m sorry,’ said the interviewer. ‘Do you have somewhere to be?’

Colin looked back. ‘I’m sorry I-‘

This time he cut himself short. He glared at the interviewer.

‘You know what,’ he said, ‘I’m actually not. Let’s just be honest with each other, shall we? You clearly think I’m a cunt, and I definitely think you are, so let’s just stop wasting each other’s time here shall we.’

The interviewer did not miss a beat.

‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘Let’s.’

Forty minutes later Colin was in his local. He was just raising an arm to order another pint when his phone lit up.

‘Hi, Colin?’ The voice was overly friendly. ‘It’s Lucinda? At Premier Recruitment? Hi, I’m ringing about your interview this afternoon with DuPrene? I just wondered; how did it go?’